I closed my eyes as the tears rolled down my face. I didn’t know what to do other than wish for life to be different. Everything went to shit and meant nothing anymore.
The last time I saw him my heart broke. His face wasn’t graced with a smile anymore and I couldn’t understand where I went wrong. Was I not enough for him? Even though I loved him with all my heart, he didn't feel the same for me. I wonder if he ever did. Self-doubt made a few more tears fall from my eyes. He hadn’t even gotten close to me to say goodbye.
I knew I was going to miss the way he calmed me down with one touch. I knew he wasn't going to think about it at all. He didn’t want me anymore. His last words made that clear.
The floor was the only place that made me feel better, it was cold and reassuring. It reminded me that I wasn’t going to fall anymore. No more let downs.
I grabbed my phone and opened my eyes. I took in a sharp intake of breathe and unlocked the screen. I had to try one more time.
The phone rang but there was no answer. I cried in silence, letting the defeat sink into me. I loved him. I knew I would be doing so forever.
As a last hope, I opened up Messenger. I prayed he would be online. He was.
“Hi,” I sent him scared he wouldn’t reply at all.
The message was read soon after. The suspense killed me slightly until the three dots appeared on the screen. I saw them vanish and come back after a few minutes. My heart raced in my chest. What was he typing for so long?
“I will block you.”
That hurt more than anything ever did. I let out a yelp, trying to contain my tears to no avail.
“Wait,” I sent. “Please. Before you block me.” The broken sentence structure wasn’t new to him. I was always too excited to send only one message. This time, I was too afraid he would just leave me forever.
“I’m here,” he typed.
I breathed deeply. What was I looking for anyway? Acceptance? Forgiveness? I didn’t know.
“Is there any chance you could say it even though you don’t mean it,” no punctuation. There was no time for that. “Just once more,” I waited a few more seconds but he wasn’t typing. “The last time ever.”
For a long minute, there was no answer. Absolutely nothing. It’s almost like I could see him hesitating before answering me.
“Isn’t that going to hurt you more?”
I laughed through the tears. Now he cared if it was going to hurt me. Did he not think of that before breaking up with me?
“Say it back even though you don’t mean it,” it felt like I was begging him. I knew that I was, to be honest. “No. It won’t.”
Again no instant answer. I thought back to the times where he would answer back in a second. How could life be so cruel? How come I would never be able to lay down next to him? That he would never kiss me like he used to? Was this even a world that I wanted to live in? No.
“Okay.”
My heart beat faster, I could hardly believe it.
“I promise.” I didn’t know what exactly, but I thought it was important to say it. “Goodnight I love you.”
This time it took only a fraction of a second. Almost like he simply wanted me to leave him behind for good. Or maybe it was just force of habit. Whatever it was, it made me feel loved.
“I love you.” I thought that would be the end of it but then the three dots came back. “Sleep well.”
I decided I would. If this was going to be the last time I would hear this.
